When was the last time you felt like you could perceive and engage with the world through the lens of your inner child? or the very least, from a more curious and open perspective? The memory of what it felt like to play, explore, create and engage with life from a place of complete spontaneity likely feels very foreign to most of us, and when I say us, to be more specific, I mean to our body, to our heart. You see, the uninhibited, boundless self expression that we carry as children is something that we feel through the body. We’re like small, eager vessels completely open to the vastness of life, and because of our unlimited openness, we take in the energy of everything that is around us in its purest form, without the heavy layers of judgement, conditioning, fear or wounding that keep us from fully absorbing the fullness of friendship, or the thrill of learning and accomplishing something new, or things that invigorate our senses like the distinct scent of spring, or the taste of our favourite ice cream. Our ability to be fully present and open to these experiences when we are younger is what allows these experiences to fill up our system like potent medicine, powerfully shaping are perception of the world. However, unfortunately few of us are given the safe container within which to flourish, expand and develop in a way that would allow us to embody the most authentic expression of who we are and continuously explore the depth and aliveness of our younger self/selves.

Unlimited self-exploration that is supported unconditionally and without restrictions or punishment is essential in order for our inner child to find their way to their authentic self, and evolve into an adult that has a strong sense of self and purpose in life. However, very few of us are provided the opportunity or the space to safely grow into who we are destined to be without external disturbances. Often our parents or caregivers own unresolved traumas, fears, heavy conditioning and misguided beliefs disturb and disrupt the process of a child delicately unfolding into their highest potential. Just like a new seedling requires some sort of protection from the harsh winds, downpour of rain, or hungry birds that might rip it from the ground before it has had the chance to grow to its full capacity, most children are robbed of the opportunity to form an authentic self, and instead, an idealised version of who they believe they should or must be in order to survive the family dynamic, forms instead, creating a survival persona, solely created to survive an unsafe environment.

Although our survival person certainly benefits us during those vulnerable years, once we step into adulthood and a position of reasonable authority and self-governing in our own lives, rather than shedding this persona and realising our authentic self, we continue to walk in the shoes and the flesh of our survival persona, and act from a place of rigidity, limitation, conditioning, and low-self worth, inhibiting ourselves from experiencing the growth, transformation and opportunities that we would naturally and effortlessly align with, if we were not entrenched with the habits, beliefs and thought-patterns which were born out of early adversity and traumatic experiences. Even if we consciously know that we are no longer experiencing the threats that we once did as children or young adults, our body memory and our subconscious mind have been prepped to believe that if we step outside the boundaries of the person that we have created, we risk experiencing harm once again. Becoming successful or expressing joy might be associated with being punished, rejected, unlikeable, or exposing ourselves to pain. It is important to remember that above all else, the mind is designed to keep us safe, and our attempts to break a harmful belief or habit pattern can feel like an uphill battle to begin with because as far as the mind is concerned, every step we take towards liberating ourselves from the past is registered as a threat - even if this liberation generally uplifts our wellbeing. It takes time, consistency and working with the patterns lodged in our nervous system to unravel the deeply embedded patterns that have formed unwholesome and untrue beliefs and ideas about ourselves and what is possible for our life.

It’s probably safe to say that the majority of adults operate from our survival persona and a version of who they believe they needed to be to survive during childhood, and rather than embarking on the journey of finding their way back to their authentic self, often, we become so convinced by, and caught up in the persona or character we created to survive, that we genuinely believe this is our true self, even though this self causes us tremendous confusion, great suffering and disconnection from our own body and deeper spiritual essence which perpetuates this feeling of loss, emptiness and not feeling quite at home within ourselves. A key sign that you’re operating from your survival or constructed persona is when there is great confusion, struggle or unnecessary mental turmoil around grasping some sense of who you are, and what you really require to feel lasting fulfilment and a deeper sense of peace. When we lack an understanding of who we are and the clear direction in which to steer our lives, we also lack peace. And there is a lot of shame that tends to accompany this feeling of “not having arrived”. It is important to understand that it is completely normal to feel some sense of having failed, or some sense of ‘lack’, as long as we remain far from our authentic self and expression. Feelings of failure, shame and lack tend to accompany us later into adulthood. Children who’s growth or self expression is stunned often become adults that struggle deeply to feel at home in their bodies, to regulate their emotions, and attune to the emotions of others, and gather clarity around how they’re feeling, because there is a strong sense that it is not safe to connect to their body and make deeper enquiries regarding their emotional wellbeing, and nor is it safe to express their more authentic needs or desires. If you have spent a lifetime numbing out, repressing feelings or denying yourself the opportunity to develop a more intimate relationship with your internal landscape, it can feel quite alien, unnerving, disarming and even terrifying once you begin. But this is the beginning of truly knowing ourselves. Unexpressed needs and a repressed authentic self can lead to a variety of mental dysfunction including anxiety, depression, addiction, rage, and an ongoing sense of grief, emptiness, loneliness, and loss. The wounded inner child is an archetype that almost every adult carries within them today, and it is arguably at the root of most emotional and mental imbalance.

When our inner child has spent their early years fighting to gain recognition for their authentic self, only to find that this self is disapproved of and not accepted, it quickly leads to self-abandonment and self-betrayal in an effort for that child to maintain their parent’s approval and their parents love. At such a young age, ensuring that we are ‘seen’ and ‘adored’ by our parents is a matter of life or death, and sacrificing our unique individual self expression and the organic unfolding of our dreams is a small sacrifice to make if it means we keep hold of our parent’s love and manage to get our needs met. As we progress through life, much of the choices we make into adolescence and early adulthood are a byproduct of unresolved trauma and a lack of knowing what it is that we as unique individuals with our own unique requirements, actually desire in order to feel fulfilled and meet the needs of our inner child whom still contains the dream and authentic desires for their life. Sadness, frustration, depression, and anxiety prevail when we begin to suspect that much of the choices we have made up until now were to fulfil the criteria placed upon us by our parents, caregivers, culture and what is deemed socially acceptable, and there is a grief that accompanies this experience adding to an already complex blend of emotions, because grief naturally follows when we become aware that we have been deprived the opportunity of living as we might have wished up until now, and grief is felt when we realise we are part of a culture and a world that is not a suitable or safe space within which our inner child might feel free to express their innocence, curiosity and play when so much of what characterises our external environment is a hostility, harshness and lack of containment for these more innocent parts to blossom and flourish. All of these factors combined contribute to the loss of authenticity and the loss of connection with our deeper needs and the fulfilment of our worldly dreams. Therefore, learning to create safe space away from the harshness and judgements of the world and learning to reconnect with the inner child is a vital step that must be taken in order to discern what is the voice of our parents, the voice of the culture within which we were raised, and what is the voice of our authentic self, and which is driving us to make the decisions that we do.

A wounded inner child carries multiple hurts and feelings of having been betrayed, abandoned, unappreciated, unloved, unprotected and unseen. These are the primary core wounds that most of us carry as we navigate our way through the world, seeking to get our needs met in ways that often re-trigger our traumas, and do not contribute towards building the healthy foundation upon which we can cultivate a strong sense of self, and an authentic personality which accurately represents the essence of who we are. The question of identity in itself seems complex when we try to approach it from the mind, because the mind is already a confused matrix and muddle of conditionings, mental constructs and ideas of who it thinks we should be, in order to increase the likelihood of us being accepted, loved, popular, successful and finding belonging. Our wounded self’s primary concern is to obtain the affection, acceptance and celebration of it’s gifts first and foremost, even if it costs us our dignity, self-respect, happiness, health and remaining true to our core values. It is important to understand that the drive to be seen, loved and admired is so strong, that when we begin to explore some of our core wounds, it be almost feel like we’re fighting against a tsunami of energies that don’t want us to surrender our current or old ways of going about getting our needs met, because it will feel like that part of us is starving and losing its power, and this is a natural but challenging process that unfolds once we begin the journey of reclaiming our authentic self. In order for our authentic self to step forward and flourish, our survival persona must perish, wilt and die. It sounds dramatic, but even nature sheds what is not needed and rebirths herself each year, and the death of what does not serve our highest wellbeing is an essential process to move through in order for our true self to be born - or rather, to be given the space and the energy to move through us an animate our being.

Nothing is more terrifying to the wounded inner child than remaining unseen, and invisible, because as a child, if you were invisible, then you would die. So it is actually no exaggeration to state that the process of uncovering our authentic self can feel deeply challenging, triggering and downright frightening at times because it requires us letting go of the many many versions of the persons we constructed throughout our years in order to stay safe and to be seen, and to now embark on a new journey instead : the journey of self discovery, and reacquainting ourselves with what it means to actually be ourselves. Gazing back at pictures of yourself as a child might begin to provide you with some of those clues, since there might have been times in your history where during some rare moment, you were captured at play, mid-laughter, mid-dance, or staring back at the lens of the camera with wide-eyed curiosity and immense longing to know the world around you. Not all of us have a collection of baby pictures to refer to in order to remember who we once were, or were at least attempting to be, but even if you don’t, I can tell you this : All children have the innate desire to play, to explore, to expand outwards and communicate with those around them, to take in the tiniest details of life and express complete delight or absolute disgust of whatever we find. This is how we discover ourselves.

A child during its earliest years has no inhibitions, and no self-consciousness, and nature has so intelligently designed us to be this way, because it gives us the opportunity to learn, to engage, to explore and to fall and get back up again, without any of the hesitancy or unease that might disrupt the process of us growing into who we are destined to be. If we are fortunate enough to be supported in this venture and given a safe space in which to play and create boundlessly, then we are afforded the opportunity to slowly and steadily develop a sense of self. However, if the opposite is true, which it is for the vast majority, then it can feel deeply uncomfortable, triggering and even terrifying for us to embody and express who we authentically are later into adulthood, when not only do we hold no guarantee that our authentic self will be accepted amongst our close friends and peers, but subconsciously, we don’t want to risk re-triggering our inner child’s belief that to be seen as our authentic self isn’t safe and risks us losing our sense of belonging and being rejected and cast out by our ‘tribe’. As being that are tribal by nature, it’s also important to understand that the fear of not belonging is a deep primal fear whose roots originate from the earliest of times that our species inhabited this planet. To not belong during these primordial periods, literally reduced our chances of staying alive. Therefore it is deeply imprinted into our being that to not belong, is to risk death since we are so wired to belong to social groups and remain loyal to those that we identify with. Acknowledging this helps us understand why it can feel so difficult to untangle ourselves from the sticky web of social expectation and cultural etiquette, because there are literally centuries of programming within our cells, directing us to do the complete opposite for our own survival’s sake.

But in order to reclaim our authentic self, often it requires us ‘sacrificing’ our current identity and anything else which encourages that identity to remain in place, preventing us from truly knowing who we are. Often it can be family members and even our closest friend that either knowingly or unknowingly contribute towards us remaining distant from our true self, and enmeshed in an environment that doesn’t serve our highest needs. Aligning with our authentic self might require us distancing friends, creating strong boundaries between us and family members that do not respect nor meet our needs, and it might even require a career change, the end of a relationship, or a radical alteration in the way we go about our daily life. All change can deeply rattle our nervous system, because what is unfamiliar is registered as ‘unsafe’, even if that change is very beneficial for us. So uncovering our authentic self, beyond the voice of family and culture and beyond the many personas we ourselves have created is no easy task, and no short term matter either. But it does begin with befriending our inner child and reconnecting to our youth and exploring our self expression in a way that perhaps we previously never did.

Before engaging with our inner child it’s important to recognise that this is the part of us that is often the most vulnerable and holds most of our wounds and imprints of trauma, therefore there is often a lot of fear, reluctance, feelings of shame and guilt that surrounded these precious aspects of ourselves, and in the beginning of this exploration process, it can feel like we are opening up a portal to a vortex of pain that we’ve spent years and years repressing and numbing out to. For this reason, in order to prevent overwhelming our system, it can be extremely comforting and reassuring to work with a therapist who is qualified to guide individuals through the process of unraveling childhood trauma, and whom can provide a safe container within which we can explore these repressed imprints of trauma and allow our inner child to blossom and thrive. Creating a container allows us to safely explore any repressed versions of ourselves that never had the chance to fully express themselves or get their needs met at a time when they were at their most vulnerable, open and exposed. One of the reasons why it can feel so difficult to reconnect to our inner child is because that feeling of openness and curiosity that we possessed during our younger years was eventually imprinted with fear. So we now associate openness with the lack of safety and the high likelihood of being harmed. A large part of the healing process requires that we create new associations with what it means to express ourselves, to reach out and connect with others, and to open to life, without the voice of fear lingering behind our joy or desire to connect, acting as a barrier between us and the experience of being completely present with our joy and our expansion. Exploring these younger versions of ourselves requires tenderness, deep respect and tremendous patience as we engage with the parts of ourselves that hold so much wisdom, self expression, boundless creative power and curiosity. Much of the magic we think is far behind us in our youth is actually very much alive and present within us, but perhaps a little dormant and in need of resurrection and awakening. Our inner child is often the most playful, open, unconditionally loving, boundless, determined and creative part of us. Therefore it is worth the effort and the time it will take to reacquaint ourselves with the most precious and authentic expression of who we are in order to access the full spectrum of our potential and our personal power.

To begin taking simple steps towards reconnecting with your inner child, take yourself on small outings to your favourite coffee shop, reconnect with your favourite childhood novels or movies, visit an ice cream parlour, take yourself to the movies, buy a box of the most luxurious chocolates or enrol in an art class to get your creative juices moving. The aim is to push yourself out of your comfort zone and remember what it feels like to be spontaneous, playful, and a little more free in your everyday life. It is easy to forget what it feels like to embody a sense of freedom and play when you hold a mountain of responsibilities on your shoulders and have long forgotten what it feels like to operate outside of a tightly-knit container that doesn’t allow for much deviation or change. This is why it’s vital to include little things that encourage yourself to engage with your creativity and help you to embody a different ‘energy’ that pushes you outside your normal routine. Dance is another wonderful way to reconnect with our inner child because it literally shifts our energetic state and allows us to move through hard to process emotions and shake out stuck energy that can get trapped in our hips, belly, shoulders, neck and spine. Our body is like a storehouse of emotions and sensations that holds the memory of every single experience we’ve ever had in our system. When we dance, and when we move in a way that is judgement free and with the intention of liberating ourselves from any patterns, habits and energetic states that are trapped in the body, we open up space within the body which makes room for new life-force and new energy to enter, helping revive and open our whole being.

Reclaiming our connection with our inner child so that we might strip back the layers of construct and illusion in order to reach our authentic self might feel a little bit like digging through a very thick pile of muck, slime and sticky gunk that doesn’t seem to have an end, but it is worth every bit of effort we make to regain connection with the purest and most powerful expression of who we are, and if the reward at the end is aligning with our authentic self and finally coming into contact with the boundless creation and unlimited potential that every single one of us possess, it is worth the effort, healing, patience and consistency it takes to reunite with your original and boundless self.

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